Maybe you do, maybe you don't
by almondcrescent
Summary: Sirius tells Remus that he loves him, but of course Remus can't allow himself to believe the former playboy... it takes a little argument to convince him. RLSB; criticism is welcome.


**A/N:** I really hope you read the Author's Note before reading the story... This is something I had half-written a long time ago and finished today. I'm dead tired and have a test tomorrow and I guess I'm so depressed that I just had to post something in order to feel the least bit dignified. I don't even think myself that it's good; actually I'm terrified of the reviews for this (if I get any), but I've been uncreative for such a long time... I kind of get the feeling it's essential for my sanity to keep writing at a regular pace. So please forgive me for this... Maybe I just have to get back into practice. Maybe the truth is that I am that bad. I hope you enjoy it at least a bit, it's actually a little argument with too many descriptions and too little profundity. As for the disclaimer; nobody wants to own that particular story... but okay, I'm depressed, I mentioned it before.

**The story:** Sirius tells Remus that he loves him but Remus doesn't believe the infamous playboy. An argument.

**Warning:** Innuendo.

**Disclaimer:** If you read this, you'll know that I'm nowhere near as brilliant as JKR. So of course it's not mine.

* * *

**Maybe you do, maybe you don't**

* * *

The door flew open as two young men stumbled into the room, one casually flinging it shut with a flick of his wand and casting silencing and locking charms while the other was busy pleasuring his lover's lips with a talented tongue.

They fell back against a wall with heated expertise, fumbling with each other's clothing in passionate desire.

The only thought that crossed Sirius Black's mind in his state of blissful oblivion was how absolutely perfect this felt, how perfect his whole world was, how perfect _he_ was.

Their arousal had reached a level so mind-blowing that Remus couldn't do much more than kiss. Those sweet lips were so close that each spoken word was a tantalizing caress, each syllable brushing his mouth in the most heavenly way. Naturally, it was hard to keep up his good work in undressing Sirius, revealing more and more creamy skin.

"Hurry up, darling, or we won't have long," he panted, shoving Remus' desire-numbed fingers aside and removing his belt himself; shakily but as fast as possible. Paralysed as he was, Remus was still a good accomplice and instead of bothering himself with difficult things like belt buckles and buttons he simply tore apart Sirius' shirt and took a strange, animalistic pleasure in the ripping sound. Sirius groaned and made to remove Remus' shirt in time with his jeans. Trousers were just too tight, and anyway all the clothing was in the way of his and Remus' trip to paradise.

Their breathing was heavy as they caught each other's mouths hungrily. Finally they succeeded in getting rid of all boundaries and, moaning, they fell on a bed in a tangle of sighs and limbs.

A very short while later, they were lying close together. They were panting and looking highly dishevelled, their hair all mussed-up in that casual out-of-bed look that would cause hairdressers to sigh and take a long time to create.

"Gods, I love you." Sirius sighed, and a wonderful relief came over him. He had admitted it after all.

He was not entirely sure it was the right thing to say, because Remus was always guarded, always reluctant, and he didn't want to rush things. His fears were confirmed when Remus' gaze turned hard and he looked hurt. Before Sirius could say anything or do more than silently berate himself for being too up-front in letting his feelings show, Remus turned away and ran away into the bathroom, but not before Sirius could catch his last words.

"Please don't say things that you don't mean."

* * *

"You must hate me now." A silky strand of hair fell in his beautiful face. It was irritably distracting.

"You think so?" Remus said it as if he was trying to push Sirius away with his words.

"I _know_ so." Sirius' eyes were such a heartbreaking mixture of so many feelings – hope, affection, anger, desire, vulnerability at the very least.

"Do you, now?" Remus folded his arms across his chest.

Now there was real hurt in the silver eyes. Sirius suddenly seemed more bitter, more grown-up. "Don't play games with me, Remus!"

Remus laughed bitterly, incredulously. "And _that_ from you!"

He pushed his lean body off the wall and walked a few steps away from Sirius, waving his hands in exasperation. He was a beautiful thing; Sirius could appreciate that despite the fear that was suffocating him. It was a mad feeling, the battle that was going on inside him – wild desire walking hand in hand with that terrible fear – fear of losing him. He couldn't let that happen.

Sirius sighed helplessly. What _could_ he do? "I know it sounds stupid, all right? But I wouldn't be telling you this stuff if I didn't mean it. You know that?" He looked up at Remus expectantly, but the latter had turned his back on him. "Remus!"

If he had seen Remus' expression at the sound of his name through those full lips, that velvet voice calling him desperately, irresistibly, he would not have needed an answer. Remus' face twisted in a pained mixture of desire and disappointment before he composed himself and spun around, eyes sparkling.

"I don't believe you." Remus' voice was very sharp, and just as cold.

Each word, said with so much loathing, felt like the stab of a knife (not that Sirius had experienced that kind of physical pain before). He would slowly die if he didn't draw back now. He had to keep self-preservation his priority. Because if Sirius didn't have his pride, if he lost his grip on who he was, he would crumble. With immense effort, he tore his gaze from Remus' and stood up.

"Fine, then don't! I don't care!"

He started to storm off towards the door, but the werewolf beat him there. Remus cut him off and bowed his head so his face was very close to the other boy's. Sirius could feel the tingling of Remus' breath on his lips, and the feeling made him quiver with – again – both pain and desire.

"I don't believe you." He said again. His amber eyes were blazing, burning through his façade.

"What now?" he retorted in a defensive tone, though his vigour was weakened by the rough edge to his voice.

"That you don't care." Remus' voice was husky now, intense.

"Because I know you do." Another pause. He closed his eyes. Sirius' whole soul strained for those amber orbs to look at him again, to resume the smouldering they had tortured him with. When Remus did open his eyes again, they had melted. Liquid brown caught his gaze like a hungry mouth its lover's lip. "Because I do."

Sirius looked up at him, mesmerized by the intimacy a mere gaze could create, and was momentarily at a loss for words. His mind was working in slow motion. The only words to leave his lips sounded stupid compared to the profoundness of Remus', and in his shock he forgot to remove the aggressive edge to them.

"So why are we arguing then? If you know everything so much better, just not the essence of what we're talking about?"

He saw anger flicker over Remus' features before he controlled himself again. It was a very bad idea to lose his control now, because he couldn't guarantee the wolf would not do something extremely reckless. Even though it was still another night till the full moon, he felt the animal stir inside him, intensifying both his physical reactions and his emotions. After gazing into grey eyes for what seemed like a little eternity, Remus' eyes softened and he tried to do what he was best at: being reasonable. But it didn't exactly come out as he intended.

"Can't you understand, Padfoot? I've seen you whore around for what feels like decades! Don't you know that you are the most erratic person I know? Living with you –" he gulped, "loving you, it's always a gamble with your moods, maybe you do and maybe you don't. And you expect me to believe you right away when you tell me you love me? – In this situation?"

Sirius almost staggered backwards, never had his friend been quite that honest with him. So that was what he was thinking. In a mad moment, he was relieved. At least the problem was not that Remus could not return the feeling; at least it was not open rejection. But to know that he was that little of a proper partner for someone; that he was so _not_ trust-worthy … it stung. Sirius knew and had known all along that what he did regarding his sexual life was not at all decent. But he had never thought it would lead to eventually breaking his heart (the heart, he now realized, he had kept tucked away safely from all harm, never allowing himself to truly love).

True, he hadn't thought he would ever fall for Remus … But as the hurt gained control and awareness flooded his soul, he was silently wondering how he could _not_ have fallen for Remus. It was like he had had no choice all along, the boy was an irresistible lure to him; it was like gravity. They were made for each other; to both protect and be protected, and to love in a way that had before been restricted by who they were.

Remus saw the pained expression on his lover's face and almost regretted his words. But how could he ever keep his sanity if he always had to wonder whether he was truly loved? Sirius had to know what he was expecting of him, what he needed for both their happiness. It took great strength to stay calm, to not just press Sirius into the wall and comfort him, whisper sweet nothings in his ear and show him how much he loved him.

After a while Sirius came back from the lane of thought and fixed his eyes on Remus who was staring at him expectantly. The amber eyes looked almost fearful. He sensed that Remus might be just as afraid to lose him as he was, and the feeling gave him strength. From all his words and all his actions, Sirius was almost certain his feeling was mutual, and Remus' distrust was always born by feelings that were hidden but even stronger than his defiance. Again, he felt stupid but he seized every word he could find in his empty mind.

"Remus … wow, it feels so good to say your name. Like you're mine …" he smiled. "I know this is going to sound just as stupid as all my … revelations before. You probably won't believe me but … I never said I loved anyone in my life. No really, let me finish!" he said hastily as Remus opened his mouth doubtfully. "I mean, okay, I might have said it sometimes as a joke, to you or James perhaps, but I never said it to any girl, or boy, for that matter. I never told anyone I had sex with or snogged that I loved them. Neither my flicks nor my numerous girlfriends. Not when I was drunk and not when I was sober. You have to believe me, Remus. I thought it was clear the way I said it but I know I'm not good with words. And maybe I'm too good an actor for you to believe everything at once." he sighed, looking at Remus again, who seemed more intent now. "Moony, I didn't think I was even capable of love before things … changed between us. I know it sounds cheesy but it's true … you showed me the profoundness of life. And won't you just believe me, this once?" He looked at Remus genuinely, not concealing his loving uncertainty.

Remus decided to have one last go at his defiance, because it was too good to be true. "Say it again."

"What?"

"What you are trying to tell me all along, you idiot."

"I love you."

"Again."

Sirius stepped closer, catching Remus' gaze and smiled. "I love you. Still. Always."

He could see the werewolf's mistrust falter, and the affection gaining predominance. And then, suddenly, it was all very easy. The awkwardness vanished, as well as the strain and the graveness.

Remus sighed. "What _am_ I going to do with you, Sirius?"

A slow smile spread across his lips. "Love me. Please."

Remus opened and closed his eyes, apparently lost in thought. When he opened them again, Sirius' heart missed a beat as he realized that the amber eyes had turned from dark maple to butterscotch. He had resigned. There was no way he could resist; Remus would allow this man to love him. Whatever pain it may cause in the future, he was suddenly sure it was worth it.

"Sirius, I just need to hear you say it once more." Sirius opened his mouth readily, but Remus quickly smiled and continued. "_And_ I know it sounds stupid, but do you promise to not play with me? I'm willing to be your lover, your … boyfriend even, but you must know I'm not going to be an experiment."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "You don't expect me to hold another speech like the one before, do you? I love you, stupid!"

"Yes … and I love you, too. But please …"

"I know you're not willing to be an experiment, but frankly, neither am I. You're special, Remus, you know that. _We're_ special."

He bent towards him and drew the other boy closer by his narrow waist. He tried to come as close to him as possible, clutching his hand tightly and winding his arm around Remus' lithe body.

"I promise; I love you. Oh yes, I do." Then they sealed it with a kiss.

* * *

_please go ahead and tell me what you didn't like...  
_


End file.
